Jesus Knows...

Last weekend I gathered with 12 missionary women for a small Velvet Ashes retreat. We listened to downloaded speakers, had great times of personal introspection, and group discussion.  The theme this year was looking through the different seasons of life.  Often we are like shaken jars of river water full of dirty sediments, and the retreat was a time to allow the sediment time to rest at the bottom so that we could see, with clarity, where God is moving in our lives.

Winter is when things are dead or dormant. 

Spring brings about new life, resurrection, and growth. 

Summer is where we see the Lord truly at work in our lives.  Well, maybe feel His presence with more peace and joy.  We celebrate God and are able to work with clear purpose and delight.

Autumn - a time of lament.  Why you may ask? Well, as the retreat speaker pointed out: "We often think of Autumn as harvest time, a time of abundance, but we often forget that harvest time is not always plentiful, especially if the other seasons have been hard.  Maybe we failed to plant or steward well, or because of external circumstances beyond our control.  Then harvest time can be a time of mourning.  A time when our failures glare at us.  Or we sit in the shatters of broken expectations because of something that happened to us.  We think - my life is not what I thought or hoped it would be."

As I pondered and prayed and took time in solitude, I had a peaceful feeling that I flow through most seasons quite easily.  I praise God that He has always been near to me and that I have often been surrounded by great friends and colleagues who "Carry each others burdens" (Gal. 6:2)

But in the midst of this very rainy season here, I feel like I'm having a few low, dark days.  A heaviness in my spirit.  So many thoughts are flooding through my mind as tiny puddles gather on the floors of our house.  

Here is what is collecting:

• I'm saddened that I cannot worship through song anymore.  Since October I have not been able to sing for more than 2 to 15 seconds.  I've learned to worship in silence, or by listening, but it's extremely hard for me.  The vocal cords are connected to my lung and on-going coughing issues.  Mom thinks I have inherited sarcoidosis, but it can't be diagnosed here in Uganda.  I'm praying that some day I will be able to open my mouth and sing again.
• Both Moses and I are struggling with purpose and direction.  We are extremely grateful that we are able to work on the Roots to Fruits curriculum and be a support to the team here in Gulu. Moses is also preaching on the radio and I am getting involved in women's Bible study and monthly discipleship retreats, but we want to do more.  I know that we don't need to DO anything to prove ourselves to God, but we feel like we are sitting on our gifts and abilities.  We are desiring to get back into more teaching, preaching, and deeper discipling. As a result of a book I'm studying - Lead Like Jesus, Moses and I put together a vision board for our lives. 
  
  
  
• There is a lot of transition going on at the moment.  Former colleagues from Soroti have either just come back from the US or are packing to go there once again.  Our neighbours and team-mates here are also packing up their home and finishing their work on the field in the next two months.  It's not always easy to have people come and go, but I am happy that the Lord is speaking into their footsteps.  Although, it makes me long to get to Canada, so that Moses can finally meet family and friends there. Or at least get on a plane for a mini-vacation.  (I'm really hoping to have a nice 45th birthday next month!!) 
• I shouldn't even be thinking about all of these things right now as many people around the world are still enduring Covid 19 restrictions and my parents are experiencing, once again, complete lock down in their home. 
• And my heart is a little sad that we need to rehome Bolt.  I really love him and he is the first dog I've ever really had.  He is faithful to me and he loves sitting beside me, holding his paws.  But he is too faithful... over protective of me and food.  And he has nipped at least 3 children, so, he has to go.  I can't have an aggressive dog and I don't like chaining him all day or locking him in a kennel.  

  

  
  

  

  
  

  

  
  

  

  
  
• Mother's Day was tough for me... for the first time ever.  I could have been a natural mother. It's been a year since we lost baby Quintin.  But again, I'm grateful for the many children who are in my life and I was blessed with gifts for Mother's Day!! 

  

  A gift from Moses

  

  And gifts from my neighbours

  

  And now I shall sign off with Isaiah 35: 

The desert and the parched land will be glad;
    the wilderness will rejoice and blossom.
Like the crocus, 2 it will burst into bloom;
    it will rejoice greatly and shout for joy.
The glory of Lebanon will be given to it,
    the splendor of Carmel and Sharon;
they will see the glory of the Lord,
    the splendor of our God.

3 Strengthen the feeble hands,
    steady the knees that give way;
4 say to those with fearful hearts,
    “Be strong, do not fear;
your God will come,
    he will come with vengeance;
with divine retribution
    he will come to save you.”

5 Then will the eyes of the blind be opened
    and the ears of the deaf unstopped.
6 Then will the lame leap like a deer,
    and the mute tongue shout for joy.
Water will gush forth in the wilderness
    and streams in the desert.
7 The burning sand will become a pool,
    the thirsty ground bubbling springs.
In the haunts where jackals once lay,
    grass and reeds and papyrus will grow.

8 And a highway will be there;
    it will be called the Way of Holiness;
    it will be for those who walk on that Way.
The unclean will not journey on it;
    wicked fools will not go about on it.
9 No lion will be there,
    nor any ravenous beast;
    they will not be found there.
But only the redeemed will walk there,
10     and those the Lord has rescued will return.
They will enter Zion with singing;
    everlasting joy will crown their heads.
Gladness and joy will overtake them,
    and sorrow and sighing will flee away.