Judas Iscariot Monologue

Judas Iscariot

Written by Karen Lubbers, March 2013

I wrote this piece, after much prayer, reading and research about this often misunderstood character.  Enjoy!

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What have I done?  WHAT have I DONE?!  I never meant for this to happen.  What was I thinking?

(Pause)

I’ll tell you what I was thinking… that Jesus Christ, this man I’ve been walking with for the past three years isn’t the leader I thought he would be.  For centuries, the prophets announced a coming Messiah, and when I first heard Jesus talking, I thought for sure he would be the leader of the Jews… a strong political man who would make the right moves.  Jesus was an amazing teacher, but when he continued to talk of death I felt anger, fear, and disappointment.  And I wasn’t the only one.  All of my brothers – us 12 disciples – we all felt that way occasionally.

For three years I walked and talked my way around this countryside with Jesus.  I remember the day he chose me to be a disciple and I was shocked.  My father Simon was from the town of Kerioth, in another region, and that means the town was not in Galilee.  All of the other disciples, all 11 of them were from Galilee, and yet Jesus still chose me.

I watched Jesus preach, pray, perform miracles – heal the sick, cast out demons, and debate with chief priests.  I also saw him love the little children.  Jesus had this unexplainable compassion in his eyes and I felt it.  I was never treated as an outsider, but always as one of his dearly beloved.  As a matter of fact, Jesus put me in charge of our money.  I carried the ministry purse for all of us disciples.  It was only Jesus and I who knew how much money was in the bag and he never questioned me when money went missing.  Trust me though, the money didn’t go missing.  I was a professional business man and I still believe that I should be paid for my work as an accountant.  I deserved to make some profit while studying under this up-and-coming political leader.

And the other 11 disciples never knew.  We trusted each other.  And I trusted Jesus.  Remember, I had big hopes for this man.  I thought a political breakthrough was coming last Sunday.  You see, as we were approaching a village, Jesus sent two of the disciples ahead to find a donkey and its colt there.  They were to untie them and bring them to Jesus.  A short while later, here they come with this stubborn grey animal and her colt.  The disciples placed their cloaks on the donkey and Jesus sat on them.  Before I knew it, people everywhere were laying their cloaks and coats on the road, and as the donkey paraded towards Jerusalem, the people shouted “Hosanna to the Son of David!”  “Hosanna in the highest!”  “Blessed is he who comes in the name of the Lord!”  People were waving palm branches and glorifying him like he was some kind of king.  The closer we got to Jerusalem, the more murmurings I heard.  “Who is this man?” Crowds answered saying, “This is Jesus, the prophet from Nazareth in Galilee.”

I started to get excited.   Maybe Jesus was coming to be king of the Jews after all!  It gets even better – once inside Jerusalem, Jesus went to the temple.  While children were shouting “Hosanna to the Son of David”, Jesus began driving out all those people buying and selling there.  He over turned the tables of the money changers and the benches of those selling doves.  I was so proud of him!  He was FIGHTING for a change… and then compassion took over again, and as Jesus was healing the blind and the lame and saying things like “MY house is to be called a house of prayer”, I could see the chief priests and teachers of the law becoming angry.  They were indignant and I was confused.

…Confused because once again we left Jerusalem and went back to Bethany.  There we sat as Jesus started speaking in parables – talking about kingdoms yet to come, and how he was going to be resurrected.  I have no idea what that means.  Why did Jesus always speak in parables?  It’s like he always wanted me to guess what the meanings behind his speeches were.

Pride filled my heart when I watched the religious leaders challenge Jesus’ authority… or when they questioned him about paying taxes, the resurrection, and the Greatest Commandment.  Jesus said, “Why are you trying to trap me?” but somehow I felt like the religious leaders – I just wanted to know the truth of this man.  What did Jesus really stand for?

You know, while we were in Bethany, we had dinner at the home of Simon the Leper.  Our good friends Lazarus, Mary, and Martha were also there with us.  While we were reclining, Mary came and broke open a jar of pure nard – a very expensive perfume.  What!!  Why this waste of a perfume?  Mary poured that perfume over Jesus’ head and while the liquid slowly streamed down Jesus’ hair and face I imagined the coins that we slowly trickling out of my pocket.  Like the others, I spoke us, saying “It could have been sold for more than a year’s wages and the money given to the poor.”  But I also knew that if we sold the perfume, the money would go into the disciple’s purse, which I carried, and therefore, I would have a nice little profit.  As I was thinking about the coins in my pocket, Jesus continued to talk about being prepared for burial.

Oh, I just didn’t get it!  Why would he want to die if he was supposed to be the king of God’s chosen people?  It was then that I started to make a plan.  I thought maybe if I put Jesus in a difficult position, he would step up as a true religious leader.

So, for a short while, I snuck away from Jesus and the disciples and I went to visit the chief priests.  I asked “What are you willing to give me if I hand Jesus over to you?”  And soon 30 silver coins were handed to me.  30 silver coins – the price of a slave.  30 silver coins – which is more money than I had in my pocket yesterday.  30 silver coins – the salary I would earn for letting the chief priests know when Jesus would be in a quiet place, away from the multitudes of people he was usually ministering to.

The following day was Passover.  Jesus had us come to an upper room and there we talked and ate.  While we were reclining at the table, Jesus said, “I tell you the truth, one of you will betray me.” Slowly, one after the other said “Sure not I, Lord?” Jesus replied, “The one who has dipped his hand into the bowl with me will betray me.  The Son of Man will go just as it is written about him.  But woe to that man who betrays the Son of Man!  It would have been better for him if he had not been born.”

Jesus began talking about the bread being a symbol of his broken body and the wine in remembrance of his blood.  Then when Jesus dipped the bread and handed it to me, evil took over.  It’s like Satan filled my body. “Surely not I, Lord?”, I said.  The other disciples never knew of my plan to sell him for 30 pieces of silver.  But somehow, I think, Jesus knew.  For he said, “What you are about to do, do quickly.”  Thankfully my friends would never know my evil thoughts.  They probably thought I was being sent out to purchase more food, or to give money to the poor – since it was Passover, but I knew it was time to get the chief priests involved.
Somehow I knew that Jesus was going to the Garden of Gethsemane to pray with the disciples.  After Passover it would be a very quiet night – so I went and gathered the chief priests.  As we were walking into the Garden, I overheard Jesus saying, “Are you still sleeping and resting?  Look, the hour is near, and the Son of Man is betrayed into the hands of sinners.  Rise, let us go!  Here comes my betrayer!”

What!  How does Jesus see inside my head? How does he know that this is the time?  But I couldn’t stop.  I walked up to Jesus.  “Greetings Rabbi” and I greeted him with a kiss.  The kiss had been the arranged signal.  Before I knew it, Jesus was arrested, all the disciples had fled, and my heart deepened in sorrow.  Jesus was brought to Caiaphas, and then Pontius Pilate, and then, before all of the chief priests and elders of the people, it was decided that Jesus should die.

No, not death!  Remorse filled my bones.  This is all wrong.  He’s not supposed to die.  I ran back to the chief priest and tried to give back the 30 silver coins.  “I have sinned for I have betrayed innocent blood!”  No one would take the money, so I just threw it into the temple, and now, I’m sitting here wondering what has become of my life. 

What have I done?  What HAVE I DONE?  Did I really CHOOSE to betray him?  I have failed to see his humble teachings become strong leadership.  But more than I political suggestion, I have this feeling I’m missing out on the Rabbi’s grace.

It’s too late for me!  I must go – with this rope.

I have uploaded a video of myself reading the script.