Shadows

When I returned home from Michigan on Friday, after spending a wonderful month helping my cousin, I noticed that a package had arrived in the mail for me. A world-traveling friend of mine sent me a few good books to read. Immediately I starting perusing "The Shadow of the Sun" by a Polish author, Ryszard Kapuscinski, and just a few pages in found words that describe why I am stuck in a time warp.
"The European and the African have an entirely different concept of time. In the European worldview, time exists outside man, exists objectively, and has measurable and linear characteristics.... The European feels himself to be time's slave, dependent on it, subject to it. To exist and function, he must observe its ironclad, inviolate laws, its inflexible principles and rules. He must heed deadlines, dates, days, and hours. He moves within the rigors of time and cannot exist outside them.... An unresolvable conflict exists between between man and time, one that always ends with man's defeat - time annihilates him.
Africans apprehend time differently. For them, it is a much looser concept, more open, elastic, subjective. It is man who influences time, its shape, course, and rhythm.... If two armies do not engage in a battle, the battle will not occur (in other words, time will not have revealed its presence, will not have come into being). Time appears as a result of our actions, and vanishes when we neglect or ignore it. It is something that springs to life under our influence, but falls into a state of hibernation, even nonexistence, if we do not direct our energy toward it.... In practical terms, this means that if you go to a village where a meeting is scheduled for the afternoon but find no one at the appointed spot, asking, 'When will the meeting take place?' makes no sense. You know the answer: 'It will take place when people come.'"
So what time warp am I in? you might ask... well, I really miss the African time in so many ways. How I had time for friends and friends had time for me. I miss the diversity of ministry and I didn't feel bound by the clock to do the Lord's work. Here in North America I am slowly getting back to work at a group home, but I'm confused about where the Lord really wants me to serve. I would love to go back to Africa, but I'm not ready to go tomorrow. And I kind of want to stay home, but I don't feel ready to jump back into the 9-5 work world that we North American's have somewhat created.
I wish I could catch up with many more of my friends, but they seem to be too busy. My days are getting longer because I desire something to do but don't know what or where or when. I want to serve God. I want to love His people. I miss exploring His creation and feel like a hibernating bear in a cave right now. It's probably a good thing we have clocks and deadlines, but I'm feeling like I need to put up my guard when people ask me why I'm not quite working yet. I don't know that answer. I'm still exploring options, praying for peace, and desiring the clear heartbeat that comes with every one of God's directional callings in my life.